the last post

The sea spits me out -
I do not belong here.
I have tried to sink myself
like a sorry ship
and dissolve inside of you like
a stow-away looking for love.

The waves
go steady
beating drums on the beating hard
a beaten body, I can take no more
on the hand
the face, the heart.
but I'll stay floating with the hope that someday
you'll come back for me.

The message has been sent
in a fragile bottle
bound to burst on the first person to find it
emptying the second class mermaids
on the trail of sorrow
looking for my sailor
to come and take me home.

To drown to drown
salty apocalypse in the sweetest sense
I follow you to the darkness, my dear
to vast unknown
where the good men go
so alas with a kiss -
I die.

(c) amelia j smith 12/07

I'm staring at a door. It is my door. The door to my new flat. It is grey, metallic, stylish and industrial. The flat is a loft. There is much glass in its complex fenestrations. Some of it is made from hemp. Not too long ago, before the conversion, it clanged with machines that conveniently masked the sweaty weeping of slaves. Ah who knows, they probably loved it. I'm rambling here but it is a Sunday. I am very hazy. It is 2pm and I'm not long up. And the point is, I'm staring at the door because I am locked out.

Perelman says there are five types of being locked out - the act of God, the act of a landlord or girlfriend, `I thought you had the keys', `I thought I had the keys', and psychotically, deliberately shutting the door when you know you don't have the keys.

But as I stare dumbly at my door, I couldn't give a fly's tit how I've been locked out (went for milk, forgot the keys) - I'm just furious. After some light cursing and a couple of kicks, I opt for ruining a Visa card. I'm twisted in a weird hunch against the jamb, attempting keyhole surgery with my flat spastic tool, my tongue slewing through a cretinous wince, when a neighbour emerges on to the landing.

She's about 34, smart and professional. Plain as dust, but will do for a nightcap. `Can I help?' she says. I ask hopelessly about master keys. `I'm sorry, do you live here?' Oh gawd, she doesn't remember. `Yes, we met last weekend. I was being sick into the tree pot on the lower gangway.' No recognition. `I was with a crying woman.' Still no flicker. Dammit, she's one of only two people I've met here (the other is Paul, aka DJ Cattle Prod, who shared some lethal new-wave skunk with me the day I moved in).

I press on, wondering if I might gain access to the fire escape via her flat and climb in through my window - but I'm not surprised when she heads down the stairs. When I call: `Can I use your phone?' at the top of her gitty little parting, she informs me there's a phone box in the square. I find it next to the Vaclav Havel café (no-profit food, radical conversation, all furnishings from skips - oh wake up, you dreamy fucks and tell me you won't be a Starbucks by Y2K!).

There's plenty of time to slag off the area you have just moved into if you're waiting for a Sunday locksmith. Time goes viscous and gummy. The only thing you can do is take out a notebook and write down rubbish like `time goes viscous and gummy'.

It's like exercise-bike time. Each minute contains about 500 seconds. It is also related to missed connection time on trains. Except that when you travel by train, deep down you actually want to be stuck for hours on an island of concrete in Rugby - probably because you are married.

The locksmith arrives after 90 minutes. On the phone, he assured me he was a Banham expert but he gives the lock a rather ESN look. `They're real buggers,' he says. He then says he can either drill through the lock - full replacement cost £120 - or he can `have a go with this': a strip of plastic from a washing-up liquid bottle. My sleeping Anne Robinson yaps into life.

I tell him he secured the job on the strength of being an expert and had better do something bloody special with the plastic or he isn't getting paid. As the cocky locky tries to snake around the anti break-in chicanes in the woodwork, I ask him what there is to stop him performing this service for a thief.

`Nothing,' he says brightly, then explains: `If there's any trouble, I'm miles away by that point.' Which is wrong, because at the top of the stairs behind him appear two rozzers. `Problem, sir?'

I explain I've locked myself out. They look sceptical in an unintelligent way. They ask locko if he has verified that I live here. He says no. They say another occupant of this pad stack has reported a stranger trying to break in. Right. So gruel-lips opposite won't lend me her phone to call a locksmith but she will use it to grass me up. I make a mental note that she'll be getting 20 pizzas she didn't order delivered at four in the morning. Just then Cattle Prod appears. `Hey jumpstick!' I greet him hopefully. Roz 1 asks him if he knows me. He eyes us warily, makes a fuzzy calculation, and says: `No way, man.' Cheers, you scabid little slacker - I hope your decks blow up inyour balls.

But just when it seems to have gone the full pear, my door opens. Or rather is opened - from the inside - by a bird in T-shirt and pants. I'd forgotten about her. She'd spent the night on the bathroom floor, you see. Ill. She's looking bleary but in a slightly Kim Basinger way. What she says, though, is not so clever: `… sorry she only just got the door… very sick … something she ate … the big one with the dove on it … Tris said it could have been smacky …' And the looks all round become significantly more significant.

Then there is one of those split seconds during which three things happen. The cops suddenly lose interest, locko starts to charge me a call-out fee even though he's done nothing, and I decide that this is yet another woman, all gorgeous and pointless in her pants, who in the end just will not do.

And that is when I am seized by Perelman's fifth wave of madness. I reach for the stainless steel handle of the door and knowingly, deliberately, firmly pull it shut.

WATCH THIS

oh my

if you start digging for dirt your fingernails will always end up black.

Who said that? I said that.

I'm back here, back to show the world how annoyingly vague and boring I can be.I've been back at uni and essays and talking about morality untill my little red lips get all chapped. One of my dear friends picked up their troubles and flew to america without telling me , can you tell where this is going?

I might jump on a plane myself and flee the country as less and less seems appealing here. Besides the beauty of scotland, ofcourse.

LOST NEEDS FOUND

hello lovely people of the internet

PLEASE HELP ME

I've lost all of my writing!

If I've ever sent you anything, please please please send it over this way, I need your help people

I'M LOOKING FOR THE FOLLOWING -

- ANYTHING from my book, elevator beat

- ANYTHING that isn't birds, twindle, apples or mr sunshine.

I AM IN LOVE.

we buy our way out of jail but we can't buy freedom

Has anyone heard kanye west's new album graduation? it's amazing.
I'm impressed, he's always been one of my favourites.

Sailor is maybe home tomorow, please be home tomorow!

I'm real life

If you've never heard of joan as police woman you had better hear her now, she's excellent. Don't think regina spektor or anything like it, if you recognise her it's because she sang with antony and the johnsons.

What a weekend - the event at the airport was a shock, I don't really know what to say about the matter, let's just cross our fingers that's the end of it or atleast the climax.

I've been thinking about getting married lately, not myself actually getting married, blimey I think not - but the actual process and how it seems to me that people who get married younger and arranged ones always seem to last, is it possible that the less you know someone, the more likely you are to stay interested?
I don't know why I am thinking about this, some of you might know I am writing a book, or something like that. I don't know if I'm bold enough to call it a book, it's just ramblings really. It's going to called elevator beat and some of you have seen snippets.

ELEVATOR BEAT

yeah I can live with that. Stuart comes home soon, I am looking forward to seeing him and not just hearing his voice.

Is it just me?

Right, anyone who reads my (shameful mumble)myspaceblogs(/shameful mumble) will have heard this rant before, if this is you, please leave now.

The smoking ban.

What is really the point in all of this, whatsssss the point. Excuse me for saying, hold on a second - naw. I'm not a big smoker and i'm not complaining cause 'ah luv a fag in the pub' I don't right, I just find it a little bit rediculous. WHY, can't you have a smoke nowadays without someone in a ten mile radius reminding you that actually, they might inhale this and die immediatly, or oh god, my hair get's smelly when im around smokers.

Right, here's what you're saying, it's for health reasons - and it's not fair that you have to breathe it in when you don't choose too. Fair enough, I understand this comment, however - health reasons? Let's make scotland healthy, let's maybe close down every chippy in every town and heck, let's go ahead and close down pubs. Why are we cracking down on this and saying something that once was alright in the public isnt? Oh it's not addictive or anything, don't worry. All it means is people will have to stay inside, no biggie.

Here is the cruncher aswell, are people going to stop smoking? No they are not - this isn't going to inspire people to stop, people aren't going to suddenly say 'BLIMEY! IS THIS ACTUALLY BAD FOR ME!?' And people who were around other smokers and complained were never going to start anyway, what difference is this going to make? It's about as hopeful as stopping global warming, excuse me while I go and be a little bit sarcastic there.


I don't think it's fair to favour one half of the population and put the other in a bad position. Did you know you can't smoke in public places? Ofcourse you did, did you know this means if you get a job on a ship for say, ooh three months at sea, you can't smoke? Jeeze, talk about harsh.

Who were the people who decided this was a good move, is it going to stop people smoking , no way - people will just stay in to smoke around their children more. Problem solved right? wrong.

What kind of place is this where your habits are praised one minute and rejected the next? Hardcore veggies im sure would like resteraunts to turn around and say, eating meat in public places is now banned - it actually offends vegetarians and might make them sick if they see it or smell it.

I don't think so.

:/

hello all, I feel like I should draw your attention to my very dear friend tobias , who has gotten rather recognised the past while - he just did a video for the band areogramme and has got some lovely photography (It is not me in some of the pictures, thank you) have a look.

- http://www.feltusfecit.com/

Alone

Following last nights situation, I have discovered something. Doing things alone is incredibly noticed For the first time in my life, I sat at the cinemas by myself and watched a film by myself and was quite happy untill other people pointed out how alone I was. Was I alone? thoughts started coming into my head, I suppose I was alone but why was this strange? I need not talk to someone during a film, infact I started to become so aware of the groups of friends and lovers around me I moved to the corner, to bask in my alone-ness and sit content without the rest of the world reminding me just how alone I was.

After the film had finished I started to think of how strange people think it is to do things alone, to live life alone , to go on holiday alone, to adopt a child alone. Things are usually in couples or in families or friends. It's true, I is a very lonely letter but is it happy alone?

appreciated ... at last

It's been ages since I started to write and started is the best word because I can take a record breaking time to finish something. For about three years I've been wanting to write about something quite specific in my life and I've never been able to say it properly. Something has always not been perfect about it. It has to be perfect because it is delicate like a wing or sugar grain. Here it is, and it is about to be published by people who appreciate it. Please take a look and have a comment.

BIRDS

Pigeon ladies, help you down the stairs
I'm waiting at the bottom for you to jump up
and tell me it's a joke.
Frail fingers decorate the lounge
while in the kitchen I hold onto the the wallpaper
like a sorry sparrow, I listen for a
miracle.

You pace yourself and we're always ahead
annoyed and upset you can't go faster
and the white tailed doctor has become a regular
shouting won't make you better, he says
but the volume and the twirping
get louder every day.

This is magic birdseed
it makes your insides green so the doctor can see what's inside
and inside the house I can see what's outside your heart
it's bruised a little/little
and mum is running around with
black paper
to cover the windows
and stuff inside the telephone

Magpies, lot's of magpies
sister magpie scurries everywhere
there's an empty church here
but everyone has lost God.
And everyone has left their mirrors
and forgotten their fathers eyes.

You're broken a bit robin,
and I cry and hold you delicatly
and ask what to do,
what to do without you

your little eyes glimmer
and someone has selotaped your mouth
and stolen your hair
and broken your wings
and replaced your nest
and all you can do is sit in silence
because I am too afraid to disturb you

I asked the air to take you
so you left quietly
and I watched you, sweetly
with your peardrop hair and
red red chest,
pick up your last treasures and gently
fly away.


(c) amelia j smith 2006

Anthems

This is the last day of my easter holidays and I spend it working. RIGHT? I did that, I did that today, spend it working and I just realised it now and it's 7:19. I'm so furious and now I feel like I can't regain this. All because of university, and all because of a HUGE folio. However, there is a silver lining, It's finished.
Yowza, I own.

I had a nice weekend, Someone asked me earlier what I had got up to in my weekend and I forgot but I remember now.

You know that way when an annoying child tells you something that you know on the grand scheme of things doesn't matter and 'when they grow up they will realise this' I do that alot, I dismiss things people say as, aw it all doesn't matter. But today I am the child and I am going to tell you something that TRAUMATISED me.

I was on the train going to glasgow, and this is a normal thing for me so I was at no discomfort atall, peacefully enjoying my journay listening to the pod. People get on and off AS TRAINS DO, and during the course of the journey two guys sit next to me, a slightly 'manly' men of two who were 'goan oot tae get sozzled man' whatever though, I am used to such sights. So we gets past bridgeton and under we go the tunnel, two seconds later a huge bang and I saw sparks and the train lights went off. At which point two things happen 1) the menly men squeal like girls and 2) I suddenly think , This is it, I'm going to die.
NOW THATS THE BIT THATS SILLY , but I'll explain myself -
Natural reaction to trains + big bangs + sparks = Bomb / Explosion of some sorts
PLUS the added issue of a tunnel!
Right so, After I realised it wasn't a bomb the conducter starts to drive again to find out someone dropped a BRICK onto the train and it blew a light fixture.

In those brief seconds I didn't get any 'MY LIFE FLASHED BFORE MY EYES' thing, ut that would have been good.
I was meeting my sailor who LAUGHED at this story.
Don't laugh at this.

FREE AT LAST

Hi bloggers and loggers and watchers and peepers.
I painted a picture today. Of the ocean! So I thought maybe in this episode I'd show you some of my 'artwork' y'know?



This is the ocean I speak of, I used glue and tissue paper, t'was a masterpiece really, if I say so myself.



this is a lady on a seat.



This is some stuff I did for art in school.

THIS IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE

MAC + Barbie

A strange combination you agree, but the new MAC line have teamed up with barbie for some new shades, and good they are.
So I am generally upset by the poor performance of some of my friends recently, it's just been bish bash, you know the thing? A big sigh of dissapointment at you lot, put some effort in and pull your finger out.
I have many places I like to go in life but there are few I can call really special and I'd like to share some of them with you -

this is balcomie, a lovely little place and quite the area for golf apparently. This place is very special to me as it's where me and my brothers and dad went birdwatching, a huge hobby of my dads. We used to get up at 5am and go with our breakfast with us and fruit in our pockets and we used to hide out pretending we were on a secret mission. This is where we scattered my dads ashes aswell so it is nice to go back and think he is still there.


Arran is pretty special to me because of how familiar I am with it and how many fun times I've had there, everytime we go we tend to stay in Kildonan but this year we stayed in Brodick. The people are fun, the place is lovely and you can even horse back ride. I have many many great memories of this place.


This is Aups in provence, the most beautiful place I have ever beeen too. This was quite honestly the best holiday I have ever been on because of the saftey and weather and situation. At night time you would sit outside in one of the street cafe's and listen to street bands or just sit in the garden and the locals would talk away to you. I miss this place - my dream is to live here (this is a very detailed dream, enquire within if you want to know about it)This place suits my personality and I feel at home here.


THis is doocot cottage in st andrews, If you know me, you'll know this place means everything to me. Every single easter my dad was here we stayed here, it was the best fun. The picture doesnt do it justice but it had everything you needed, a sandpit, a little lane beside with lots of bunnies called 'rabbit run' and hidden passageways and little log cabins. This is the beatrix potter of my life. When we were staying we used to have 'king for a day' and 'queen for a day' and when you got it you'd where this HUGE badge that my dad made and on that day you could do whatever you wanted, I would always go to seaworld and then to little johns for tea (mum would always go a walk on hers, rubbishhh) I went back here myself last year and burst out crying when I walked in, everything was the same since we left it 6 years ago.

mothers day

This is my mum, her name is ruthie. What a lady, I'm making dinner today because I am the talented chef of the family. It's true. This is my favourite picture of my mum, taken in barcelona when we went on a holiday with my two brothers - how lovely. During this holiday we got robbed but it only seemed to make the holiday better, isn't that strange. But we all put our spending money in and made it through the week, together - me my mum and my brothers.Aw.
This holiday was for total culture vultures, like myself (obviously)
Look at the size of the doors at the segrada famalia (dodgy spelling) Blimey, either that or I'm really really small.

Apres moi

You know I was at the hairdressers today and I got it all chopped off. Goodbye hair hello cold head, Now what I am about to say forgive me for, I am not snobby but the way I get haircut is the fault of my mother only ever taking me to salons in glasgow ect and I've grown up with always a male hairdresser. Strange that isn't it, anyway, I have a hairdresser called gareth who is ever so nice. Good dress sense too - anyway, A new girl washed my hair today and got hair toner in my eyes and quite frankly, It was terribly uncomfortable but I always feel sorry for these folk, you know the hair washers and sweepers in these places, they are like slaves. What a drag. I've been using a new hairspray, the same one lewis (in the picture) uses although I wouldn't dare tell him seeing as all I ever did was slag it.
I miss him abit - he's a dear friend. I've no idea where he is just now - england somewhere touring, ahh what a hard life.
I start teaching on monday, the fear, the fear!

GOOD vs BAD

THIS IS WHY LIFE IS GOOD 07/03/07

: I am warm, inside and outside
: I am clever (or so it seems)
: I am loved/I love folk who are warm and clever, and good for that matter
: I have found my lost marine*
: That marine is coming home from iraq
: I just made cracking tomato soup
: The piano is getting re-tuned

THIS IS WHY LIFE IS BAD

: It's cold and raining outside
: I burnt my tongue on the soup




*this is a very long story, enquire within if you're interested.

It's 3am

It is late, or early - It is 3am anyway and I'm showing no signs of needing sleep. I don't understand why I as necked about three herbal sleeping tablets a few hours ago to assist my cold. I felt like I had to put herbal there just incase the severe of you out there got worried.
So what did I do tonight? ( I warn you - this blog gets quite serious here so if you're looking for some jolly chat come back next blog )
I watched a documentary called jesus camp. Jeeze oh, I was really looking for some light comedy but I was drawn to this by the dramamtic comments it sported, I wonder if any of you have seen it.
Brainwashing these poor poor children into this harsh, almost nazi ish belief in Jesus christ and God - It's an awful thing to watch especially if you're quite fond of children. I say this meaning you really have to watch it to understand - ah these people are forcing children into abolishing the word fun. One bit that really upset me was at the 'camp' one night one of the speakers asked the kids 'are you ready for some fun tonight?' only to show later the 'fun' intended was to teach children how harry potter is a work of the devil and to act even slightly (I'm talking slight here) against the will of God, even not praying ten times a day or whatever that they are to be shamed and they should 'repent' I'm not talking about 14 year old kids Im talking about five year olds crying because they are being taught to be ashamed of themselves for being children. Sounds like crazy fun to me!
This one little kid was praised for going up to strangers and telling them jesus christ has told her that they need help - That God had told her they should be saved, this seven year old kid. Yeah okay we can say brave and we can say she's a solider of christ but if she get's shot or god forbid something happen to her - wouldn't someone say 'Who taught her to put herself in danger?' Because I didn't see that in the bible.
Without going into my life too much something I really believe in is fun, and I think children should be left to play and imagine and think about pirates and indians and faeries and dress up and just enjoy life and enjoy the innocence and delight of being a child - it's amazing! Yes? Children and adults, it is a sad day when we teach against the imagination and when we forget how to live. Hm maybe I am being 'silly' and maybe I am someone to overlook but I cannot stand the daily routine and the expectation for people to 'grow up' and turn into workers who work for the money and the money that works for the workers. We pay for apples when we can pick them off the tree* - I'm not sure what I am trying to say here - I am just tired of the wrong people getting their hands on the weak minded and moulding them. This was a serious blog wasn't it , blimey.
Off to watch some light hearted comedy. Goodnight my fellow bloggers.

*I am not promoting the stealing of other peoples apples here - unless they look fresh and tasty.

vodka slush puppies pt II

Hello internet.
The weekends highlight was of course the coming-of-age-not-really of ailsa. 21, blimey. The night was spent well apart from mojama flooding, this always happens to me - strange as it is, I seem to attract hysteria. Glamorous as that sounds it has it's downfalls.
I danced untill my ear ached then decided to sit down after heather handed me a vodka slush puppy which delivered more than brainfreeze and it was making my hand cold. I have a serious problems with taxi's in glasgow, we had to walk for about an hour just to get one and when we did I had to share it with two people in kilts and this made me very uncomfortable seeing as conversation was tense. Oh wait something happened walking home - ah yes a fall out with lewis where during it he assured me one of the words to describe myself was 'cuddly' and I assured him that right now that certainly wasn't the case.
Back at Gordons sleep was difficult - I began rest beside lewis but while he put me in a headlock and showed signs of being delicate in the morning I retired to the floor. This is the story of my life.
I do wonder about sleeping, I have strange habbits when it comes to sleep, I dont actually need to sleep I think, I can go nights without it and function fine but sometimes I sleep all day and night. I like dreaming but I always have a problem with waking and when something bad happens I dont want to sleep because I dont want it to happen again in my dreams, does that make sense? No it doesn't, and if this sounds strange then it is only a look into the rabbit hole of my life.
I have started a book - it's going quite well though I have no intention of showing it to anyone. It has a good concept, it's all true aswell.

detox with evian

Ahh, another tuesday. It's a lovely day and I'd quite like to get out a walk, I was meant to be going a run earlier when my mum told me going a run with a cold is a bad idea and I was FORBIDDEN. What a serious word to use.
So my exam results are back and I did better than I expected which is rather unusual seeing as I'm usually quite accurate (NOTE HERE:my spelling has never been great) so a it was a nice suprise to see I owned that philosophy paper - Take that decartes you crazy man you. This is honestly a miracle that I did so well , I'll tell you why, the paper consists of three questions, about a page an answer and I filled one and a half pages doing only two answers - and I got a D in the essay. Can you see how this goes against logic? Not that I'm complaining, onward knowledge!

Have you ever felt like you cannot compete with someone else atall? Meg likes Jack, Jack see's Meg quite alot and spends good time with Jack, Meg and Jack are good friends who care for each other a lot and have known each other for a long time. However, Meg likes Jack more than Jack likes Meg and although she's never told Jack, Jack must know, Jack does know. In a conversation with Meg, Jack highlights he's going on a date with an Annabelle, Meg keeps a brave face, wishes them luck but inside feels upset, because Annabelle is Annabelle, an exotic and unusual person and Meg has always been just plain old, average Meg.

What to do, what to do.

twenty thousand million

Hello universe! Goodmorning vietnam! greetings from michigan!
Why isn't carluke stranded in snow? Huh? I love it - especially the type where you can make proper snowballs and go sledging down near jocks burn. I never liked the fact that england is priority (apologies to my english fan base, broad as you may be)
I went to see dreamgirls last night, we got through 2 minutes of a trailer and we were evacuated out the cinema's and told to 'stand far back'. We got back in about ten minutes later but boy was it cold - anyway, the film was alright I was far too tired to pay total attention because of the previous night's activities (two big gashes in knee due to fatal fall in hamilton)
I got the planet earth box set and I'm sitting watching it, isn't the world a wonderful place? Blimey charlie, it's amazing. "we are so small and insignificant" yet we cause a big massive mess of our world.
I am going to stay with my good friend gordon tonight and hopefully get a new pair of glasses on the way - my eye's are seiously bad, despite being long sighted in one eye and short in the other - it doesn't even out.
Has anyone seen the caves one of planet earth? I feel so lazy I'd like to see these places and get out and explore, I don't have the money or the time just now and seem to be in a course that leeds directly to employment straight after I graduate.
Good on one hand I suppose.
It is seven years today since my dad died. It doesn't seem that long and is still as much of a sore as it was five years ago. I need to remember I am lucky though - despite having a certain someone who stays here.

wincing the night away

I didn't think I'd have any spare time atall day but I am waiting on lewis to arrive and he has just called telling me he's all greasy and needs a shower, therefor - I have time to write.
I am just back from being in town doing a long awaited (ish) shopping trip, in which I managed to squeeze seeing Jonny and getting some lunch with him in november. I told myself I deserve to treat myself because a) I got money in from the government that I dont need to pay back mwahaha b) I did well in exams and essays and c) my hair's falling out - it's true, it is.
How many times to people brush their teeth a day? that's a personal question by the way, if you're reading this, please comment with your answer. Is it two? Is that how many times you're meant to? I'm puzzled, I thought it was three or one or something, teeth are teeth.
I went to see casino royale last night, dramatic that isn't it? Blimey, have a kitkat bond.

Chapter 6: sadness

Ah, it is truely lovely to witness a miracle, this does depend on how you define a miracle however. I like to think of my gran as one,growing up her father(my great grandad) left the house for another woman, and because he always kept in touch with my gran, this made her unpopular in the house making life hard for her as a teenager. She married her first love when she was 21, when going to war he never returned, neither did her brother. Later on she met Tom (my grandad) and had three children with him - Robert, Ian and Kenneth (my dad) Years later Tom and Kenny both got sick and died within three months of each other, leaving my Gran without a husband and son. But every single day she gets down on her knees and thanks god for the shoes on her feet and the roof over her head, and she smiles and laughs and brightens everyones day. What a lady.
However, there are situations in the world where a miracle needs to happen and it doesn't, people are in pain every second of every hour every day, to think about it constantly only makes you depressed but I often wonder who is doing something about it.
I realise how lucky I am when something happens to me, something just as simple as getting ill and I am taken care of, I get the medicine I need and the attention required, and I think about the people who have no one to care for them.
There have been amazing people to walk the land, people who are self-less and brave, people who have made a difference through peace and the majority of these people have met an end with someone who didn't like it.
As long as human beings exist love will continue , but pain will also.
We are complex beings and sometimes I wonder about God, I wonder if he looks at the world and sighs, and I think about the flood and wonder how bad it was for him to do that, are things that bad now? Perhaps not, It is a tragic person who focuses on the bad but a foolish person who forgets it.
What will it take for the world to take a step back and hold hands? Global warming, perhaps. Ah no, the rich will be the priority to protect I hear from a sad looking news reporter the other night - glad to see we are standing together.
I suppose the simple version of this is to say 'get on with your own life and count yourself lucky' but isn't everyone doing that? so everyone is looking after themselfs who is looking after the lonley?
I do not understand politics and I don't pretend to, I don't understand the trade system, I don't understand maths and my spelling isn't great, I don't have a job and in the grand scheme of things I am no more than the smallest speck. Maybe I will be listened to one day and maybe people will realise and understand what I say - I do believe in kindness and I believe in forgiveness I guess I probably do believe in this world.

loves a raven when it flies

Hello world. I had a great dream last night, really musical. I also had a dream a few years ago where a band name was given to me - I think this all means something.
However, I cannot read music nor write it, I can play though but just by ear. And I can watch someone playing something and pick it up fast. However, needs must.
I just picked up some books for my reading list this month, blimey - choke a horse comes to mind.
Panto rehersals yesterday, my ability to pick music up fast doesn't apply to lines, never mind though, in true amelia fashion, it will most likely be last minute but high standard. Oh how full of myself.
I picked up two CD's recently - british sea power and elbow.

British sea power:open season
I got this CD (partly because it was a massive 3 quid and partly because a 'reliable' source said how amazing it was) Wrong. Morrisey meets even worse talent and the worst drummer, what a blow.

Elbow:Leaders of the free world
I find fopps music choice impressive, as in, the music they are playing tends to be quite good, I think they put a wee note at the desk saying who is playing. This time this CD was playing and it was really good, and the album delivers the same thing, they are like sigur ros+sonic youth , yeah that's quite good, they're like that. Best track - my very best.

I am about to go and climb tinto but I've lost my hiking boots so nike will have to do - what a drag. Tonight I see Gordon and Dave playing, I havn't seen Gordon for ages but he doesn't tend to change these days so all is well.
Off to climb to the top of the world.

Paradise Now *****

Okay, this film is about two men from palestine who are chosen to blow themselves up in israel as part of a mission. This is hands down one of the best movies I have ever seen, when I say the word empathy I don't want people to think I'm behind it, behind the idea of it that means,infact it's the complete opposite, It really illustrates the brainwashing and lies people are fed and how powerful religion can be when put in the hands of powerful people.
Everyone is good in this film, the main plot is that a woman tries to stop them and show them there's different ways to go about negotiating, not for the weak-hearted and not for anyone who has a closed mind about religion, infact, I take that back, It'll change your idea about a lot of things.
It also shows a real good contrast between two different worlds.
Ach I don't know, what a world sometimes.
Yeah, this film isn't in the cinemas, it's pretty easy to find online however - Play.com do it for under a fiver, slice ae that!

Babel is coming soon, I can't wait. More to come.

The Persuit of happyness - ****

I went into the cinemas with my good friend heather thinking I was going to see miss potter, however, after a long process of 'you pick' , 'no you pick' we ended up seeing this. One large pepsi return later, I sat in the cinema expecting will smith to be his usual self, and to go through the whole film thinking 'this is will smith, this is will smith' A) I hadn't seen the trailer - always an uncomfortable position to be in B) I paid almost five quid to have that really annoying breed of giggly 13 year old neddy girl sit behind me and laugh through the trailers - I said to myself if this continues, neither her nor I will be laughing.
Low and behold, I really got into it. This was not will smith as we know him, good lawd was he good in this film - convincing and entertaining, not in the funny way however, thank god for me and my giggly companions two rows behind.
His son, his ACTUAL son is in it, and he's bloody brilliant - the wee swine manages to nearly make me cry in the film - the only worrying thing was that he looks nothing like will smith , moving on.
Thilda Swinton (I spell that brainlessly) Is the only dissapointing one - she seems to play the same , angry hard up working class woman all the time, making the same faces and changing her accent just slightly when she talks, she's not in it for that long however, long enough to convince me not to favour her.
This is a film which I think shows you exactly what the worth of a dollar is, I say dollar because it's american by the way, I've never been someone too fussed about money but then again, I've never gone properly skint.
Watch this if you're looking for an uplifting, don't watch it if you're keen on Thilda.

A flash!

After having a browse through other people's blogspot (clicking 'next blog', nothing glamourous..glamerous...definatly glamourous) I'm going to be doing reviews on this aswell, of CD's, gigs and movies. Don't expect anything professional but do expect 'brutal honesty' - that's not entirely true, I just wanted to say it. Honesty yes , but brutality only occurs when it's deserved, and that's rare, isn't it.
I'll start of with a film I saw on Monday night at the cinemas and move on to a film I watched today so on, there will no order and if the film isn't at the cinema - fear not , I'll say. I don't want people mindlessly wandering into showcase looking for what they will never find. I flatter myself, I know. Read on readers, read on.

birches

So this is the first post, who will read this? Who knows.
I will take this as an attempt to write 'things' about my day, about yesterday about maybe two weeks and perhaps about my feelings on matters, nothing to serious. This is after all the internet and I could be talking to anyone - baring in mind we live in an electronical world. My electricy is different from the lightbulb stuff though.
"If you want to change the world, first let the world change you" - the motorcycle diaries, that's one of my favourite quote, it means alot to me because I've been finding out alot about 'myself' recently, call it that and one of the things I've found (and now I wish I could un-learn is) Is that knowledge is not infact power, and ignorace is kind of bliss. How do I explain this?
As a child, I believed things I now do not, this is normal ofcourse, but growing up, I begin to investigate and so far, all I've found out has been dissapointing.
How tedious and depressing Amelia, I'm not a drag.
People say when I talk I appear to be alot more stupid than I am.
I'll tell you this, readers, who let's face it are probably none at the moment - Don't believe the hype, don't listen to media, don't watch big brother and never, ever, vote the BNP.
I've listened to Jeff Buckley for a very long time, maybe he isn't my favourite but I have a fondness towards him like I have for an old friend, does this make sense? His voice makes me feel comfortable because I know I liked it years ago and I still like it today, and that hasn't changed, and that, world, is the comforting thing.
I am old enough to know better and young enough to get away with getting excited about chritmas, it is an age with many advantages, it's also okay that I'm not 100% sure who I am yet, although I know I will never have pink hair again.